NOT ALONE

its been a bad few weeks for me.
not that i think anyone would know it.

Same old same old it looks like. Everyday is the same. Wake up, tend to diapers and feed the boys, play with them, stop them from fighting, deal with more diapers, and teething and wanting daddy(since he is at work). Giving them lunch and same old trying to get Austin for a nap. Dealing with cleaning the house that never seems to get clean. Think of something for dinner. Not that i want to cook. I HATE COOKING. but have to. Try to get food into the boys for dinner. Lucas never wants to eat when we do or he wants something else or just wants to play. Austin will eat till he sees Lucas having fun and then wants down. So there is fighting again. Always fighting with the boys. Lucas doesn't want his brother in his room or near him ... until he wants to. Then trying to get them to bed a normal time. nope not around here. Austin stays up so late... why not sure .. not like he sleeps a lot during the day. Just was a second wind and is off. So i get to stay up with him since daddy has to get up for work in the morning. YUPPIE!!!!
Then i get some sleep. And wake up and do it all over again the next morning.

See just the same old same old.

Only thing is. I think its killing me. I don't feel alive anymore. The only life i felt was over the past two weeks. And that was due to reading all four Twilight books. But once i finished that last book that empty feeling came back. Maybe i am making more of it then i need to be. But last night i had a dream i was free. NO KIDS. and i felt great in the morning when i woke up. Till that is Austin started crying. Then it hit me. I was stuck in this life. Till they could fend for themselves. (they are boys so who knows when that will be.LOL)

But i know i am not alone in my thinking. Well to a point. A good friend i think(i know) is going through something also. I know its not baby blues. since well none of us have babies anymore. But there is something not "right".

Not easy telling Gary about it. He doesn't really get it. Hard to tell him that all i want to do is run away. And not come back.

Whats funny is. As much as i want to run. Just leave and not look back. I know i couldn't. I Love my crazy monkey boys to much to ever leave them. I know what it feels like to be left behind. An after thought. I worry what it do to them if i left. Or died. My life changed so fast when i was ten and my Aunt Nora passed. Everyone i loved disappeared. I became the after thought. I learned a few years after that death, that my own mother didn't want to keep me around. I was to hard to deal with. It wasn't what she was good at. I know see loved me with all her heart don't get me wrong. But i wonder if i felt like that trap for her. They way the boys do to me sometimes. I wonder if only we didn't go through with having a baby so early, and we waited... or maybe if we didn't try for number two. I wonder if it would feel different. ? ? ? ? ? ?

I do know motherhood isn't an easy job. No one gives you the respect that they should. And I know that us mother's just try to do the best we can. And like life, its hard.

But i really need sometime away. . . . . . . . .

or some sleep.