BULLSHIT ANYONE

its hard to say out loud.but my baby is going to be four in two weeks.
I can't believe it.
tonight i watched him play on the computer, he seems so old to me now. He is already 30 to me. This little thing i gave birth to is already grown.
He starts school in the fall. BIG BOY school as he calls it. OMG it hurts just thinking about it. LOL

And then there is Austin.
OMFG. this kid is more independent then anyone i have ever met. Wont let you feed him or help or anything. And always wants to do what big bro is doing. some days i feel like iam beating my head against a wall trying to get through to him. (so like his daddy... after all iam the angel. )

The thing i wonder about is mom. If mom was alive .. would i be here now? would I have gotten together with Gary, and got married... etc... ?
Or would i have this all together different life?
I'm a believer in things happen for a reason. Or so i like to tell myself. why would "GOD" put a little girl through so much pain... if there wasn't a light at the end of a tunnel?
OR would he?

why do we "LEAVE" things to fate. I am beginning to think fate and faith are a myth. told to us as little kids to keep us going though the bullshit.

In my family there is ALWAYS BULLSHIT... everyone speaks the languish so well no one knows what the truth is anymore. But guess it goes back to knowing. How well do we really know our family's? or friends? or self's?

I think the only person i know well is the scared little girl inside me. Trying to make sense of the world she is trapped in. A world where she was the chosen one. The one who got to have the "UN-NORMAL" family. (i grew up with two mommys) and never heard the end out it. The one who had a brother for a sec and then lost him. Found another and well out the window that went.
Found family, but all they wanted was what they could get.... had family call me a whore. ME... little miss goody a whore. Lost all respect for my family. NO was around after mom died. EVERYONE.. left. Why cuz i didn't pick Arlene to live with. Sorry i didn't want to live in the park and take care of two kids that were younger then me and weren't mine. An "UNCLE"(newf) that makes himself "a savour" in the family. tries to say he was this and has done that and spends this... FUCK OFF... man doesn't have to nickels to rub together...
and of course THOMAS ... well if the sun didn't shine out of his ass... LOL. i grew up where he was everything...blah blah... loser who can't keep a job or a gf and doens't know how many kids he has... ya great guy ppl. feed him some more bullshit.

What is the since of this vent....not sure... but i know its true... well as true as any bullshit can be after all right?